It's like the fun never ends!

Generic Sending Card

2007-05-21T16:47:11Z

Tired of buying fancy greeting cards with messages that don't quite fit the occasion? (Or worse, sappy poems that try so hard to rhyme?)

This is how it started. We thought it would be a great idea to make a card that could be sent to anyone, for any occasion. It said:
Dear Person,
Happy ___________

Such a card could be used for birthdays, holidays (both national and religious), anniversaries, and so on.

Immediately, we encountered problems. This card is not as generic as it could be. It does not cover thank-you notes, get-well-soon cards, sympathy cards, thinking-of-you cards, and all those other cards created just so that you can buy them and send them to people, thus supporting the government by spending money on postage stamps.

So we changed the card to read:

Dear Person,
Appropriate greetings.

Yet more problems ensued. What do you do, for example, if you plan to send the card to something that is not a person, like a pet or favorite tree?

We amended it again:

Dear Recipient,
Appropriate greetings.

But what if you intend to send the card to someone who is not dear to you, such as an arch-enemy?

That one's easily solved.

O Recipient,
Appropriate greetings.

This way, if you are sending your enemy a gloat-over-your-misfortune card, the enemy will be able to fill in whichever greetings are appropriate for his or her situation, such as 'hahaha, you idiot!'.

But not all cards contain greetings. Some contain the aforementioned cute poems. Others seek to amuse the recipient with some kind of weird joke. Also, just saying 'appropriate greetings' can be construed as terse and unfriendly, and you won't just be sending this card to people you hate.

So:

O Recipient,
Appropriate sentiments to you on this occasion.

This is a perfect generic card.

BUT...

There's one last problem. Sending cards are traditionally adorned with some sort of picture on the cover. Even the ones that don't have messages on the inside have a picture. It's the picture that makes a sending card so special.

A generic picture...

In the end, that problem was easy to solve as well. An inkblot! Taking Rorschach's theory a step further, the recipient of the card should see in the inkblot whatever picture is suitable for their occasion, such as a menorah, birthday cake, sailboat, entire marching band, or Nativity scene. Or whatever.

There you are. This card should be easy to create and reproduce. You will never have to buy another sending card again!

Car Trip

2006-12-12T02:20:24Z

I recently deleted this fanfic from my ff.net account, but I'm posting it here in case anyone cares.

Warning: This fanfic will be incomplete forever. It does not resolve. It is very random, and has almost nothing whatsoever to do with The Lord of the Rings. That was one of the reasons why I deleted it from my ff.net account. Ff.net is already full of tripe.

Disclaimer: While said fanfic has very little to do with The Lord of the Rings, I did borrow the characters from Tolkien. I do not own them, or anything pertaining to The Lord of the Rings, and this was written for fun, not money.

CHAPTER ONE

To Galadriel, it was ‘a car’. To Celeborn, it was ‘a Nissan 300ZX’. To Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin, it was ‘pain, suffering, and stress on wheels’. But everyone was keeping their opinions to themselves. They looked at it, and avoided looking at each other.

Galadriel was thinking, “I wonder how this showed up on our doorstep.”

Celeborn was thinking, “I wonder how fast it goes.”

Haldir, Rumil and Orophin were thinking, “Help... me...”

Their last little outing together had resulted in the tragic loss of a perfectly good automobile. Celeborn and Galadriel had been fighting over the steering wheel, and Haldir and his brothers had been cowering in the back seat, and the whole debacle had come to a prompt conclusion when the car hit a tree and flipped over twice. No one had been seriously injured.

Celeborn had scampered to his computer and found a website that sold really nice second-hand sports cars, and had secretly purchased one. It had been delivered during the night. Celeborn was delighted by the company’s speedy service. Everyone was happy.

“Why don’t we go on a test drive?” suggested Celeborn innocently.

“But is it ours?” asked Galadriel. She glanced at the car, and then at Celeborn’s smiling face. Things were slowly beginning to make sense.

“Yes,” said Celeborn. “It’s ours. A donation from the ‘Assist Elf-Lords in Distress Foundation’.”

Galadriel was nonplused. “I didn’t know there was a foundation for that,” she said. And then added suspiciously, “How exactly are you in distress?”

Celeborn tried to looked distressed. He was so worried that he actually succeeded in appearing rather agonized, as if he’d accidentally trodden on a three inch nail. Galadriel shrugged. “Where are the keys?”

Celeborn’s countenance fell even further. From behind him, Haldir, Rumil and Orophin moaned. His wife was going to drive. They were all doomed. Galadriel seemed to believe that the roads were for her and her alone. People who got in the way deserved to get run over. Very often, they did get run over.

Just then, fate intervened. It intervened in the form of Faramir. He was riding a motorcycle with Éowyn on the back. Éowyn was eating a chocolate bar. Faramir was waving a bundle of letters. He tossed a letter to Celeborn and drove on.

For a moment, Celeborn stood, staring at the letter with wide eyes. He had gotten mail. Elves in Lothlorien rarely got mail from the outside world, because Haldir and his fellow Elves tended to shoot postmen, under the mistaken impression that postmen are evil. It had something to do with the uniforms they wore.

Suddenly Celeborn realized that this was very good. He waved the piece of mail excitedly. “Look! Look! I got a letter! A letter! I’m so happy!”

Haldir and his brothers cheered. “Hooray! Mail!”

A pause.

“Aren’t postmen evil?” asked Orophin.

“No,” said Celeborn, clutching the letter to himself. “They are very, very good.”

“Oops,” muttered Haldir guiltily.

Galadriel snatched the letter from Celeborn. Celeborn snatched the car keys from Galadriel. They both smiled at each other smugly. Galadriel began to open the letter slowly and deliberately. Ignoring her, Celeborn jangled the car keys. Then he noticed a button attached to the key chain.

“Ooh. A button,” he thought. He pressed it. The new car beeped. Interesting.

“The car beeped!” cried Orophin, panicking.

“No fear,” said Celeborn. “I can control the car with this button. See?” He pressed the button again. Beep. He pressed the button again. Beep. Haldir and his brothers were staring at Celeborn in awe. Smiling cheerfully, Celeborn pounded the button into oblivion.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbee–

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!

All five Elves flung themselves into the bushes, sure that they were in the middle of a bomb raid. The sound the car was equivalent to that of a cat with stereo surround sound raking its claws down a very long chalk board. Galadriel whacked Celeborn on the head. “You broke it, you silly Elf!”

“I didn’t break it! They were egging me on!” wailed Celeborn. He pointed at Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin grimly. “They made me do it!”

Galadriel yanked the car keys from Celeborn. “Give me those. I’m driving! ... If the car still works.”

“What was the letter about anyway?” asked Celeborn.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” growled Galadriel. She stomped to the car.

Celeborn raced after her. “Please, please, please let me drive it!”

Galadriel looked at him. Celeborn looked at her. His eyes were very big and silvery. He looked sad. Galadriel tried desperately to cling to her sanity.

“Just for a few minutes,” she said. “Then I get to.”

“Okeydokey!” shouted Celeborn. “Hooray! Woopeedo!” He jumped into the car.

Galadriel saw that Haldir and his brothers were edging away from the car.

“Someone has to look after Lothlorien while you’re gone,” said Haldir desperately.

“Someone has to feed your fish,” said Rumil.

“Someone has to...to... uh... wash the windows,” said Orophin.

“We don’t have windows,” said Galadriel. “They are not organic.” She opened the letter. “This letter is from King Elessar. He’s having a feast to celebrate his coronation/wedding anniversary. A big feast,” she added meaningfully.

“All right. We’ll come,” said Haldir, hurrying to the car.

“Wait a moment,” said Rumil. “I have to get my umbrella!”

“There’s no room for your umbrella!” yelled Celeborn out the window.

“There’s plenty of room in the boot,”said Haldir, "...for Orophin!”

“Hey! That’s not fair!” said Orophin.

“I was joking,” said Haldir. “Can I sit next to the window?”

“Sure,” said Galadriel, getting in the front. She smiled charmingly at her husband. “Let’s see how long we can drive before someone gets seriously injured.”

Rumil sprinted back to the car, waving his umbrella. “OK! I’m ready to go!”

Galadriel and Celeborn sat for a few minutes and took deep breaths, and tried not to hear what was going on in the back seat.

“Hey! I wanted to sit by the window!”

“Ow!”

“Get your umbrella out of my face!”

“Why do I always have to sit in the middle?”

“Because you’re the littlest.”

“Just because you’re fat doesn’t mean you can always hog the window seat!”

“I am not fat! Haldir’s fat!”

“What???”

“I’m thinner than both of you... put together!”

“Well, of course you are! If we were put together we’d be fat!”

“You’re fat already!”

“Eek! You’re hurting me!”

“Whose sock is this?”

“Ow! Get that umbrella out of here or I’ll snap it in half!”

“Ha! You couldn’t! You’re both fat and weak!”

“Why... you...!”

“Lord Celeborn! Halbir’s pulling be dose!”

Celeborn twisted the key violently in the ignition. “Let’s get going.”

CHAPTER TWO

“Of all the songs to get stuck in my head,” moaned Legolas, “why did it have to be the one with all those ‘rolls’ in it? I’m going crazy. It’s got a catchy tune too... WHO WROTE THE ROLL, ROLL, ROLL SONG??? I’m going to scrag him with my own fair hands!”

Legolas stomped down the hallway and flung open the door to his father’s room. Immediately a lot of alarms went off. Lights flashed. A robotic voice droned, ‘Door alarm activated. Red alert. Red alert. Please step away from the door. Red alert. Red alert.’

Legolas backed away nervously. His father pressed a button by the doorframe and the voice stopped. “What do you want?”

“What was that?” asked Legolas, still traumatized.

“I’m installing a new security system,” said Thranduil cheerfully. “If anyone opens the door in a violent fashion, this alarm will activate. And if the intruder tries to enter, he gets zapped with...”

“With what?” asked Legolas worriedly.

“I don’t know yet,” said Thranduil. “I’m trying to think of something really good.”

“Oh,” said Legolas.

“Maybe chocolate,” mused the Elvenking.

“Chocolate is good,” said Legolas, “but hardly painful... Unless you eat too much of it and get hyper and run down the stairs and accidentally trip and fall and knock your head on a stone wall at the bottom and break your neck. And die.”

It was now Thranduil’s turn to be traumatized. They stood in silence for a moment, gazing at the door pensively. Then Legolas’s father snapped out of his reverie. “What did you want?”

“I was wondering if you’d install a CD player in the car,” said Legolas.

“Why?”

“Because your old car can’t play CDs,” explained Legolas.

“Why can’t you use your car?”

“You took my car away when I drove it into Galion’s Famous Annual Hundred-barrel Wine Barrel Pyramid... It was an accident too,” Legolas added.

“I doubt that,” said Thranduil dryly. “You have a knack for ruining things. On purpose.”

“Please,” begged Legolas, “please, please install a CD player in your car. I wanted to listen to my cool new CD.”

“Why do you have to listen to it in my car?” asked Thranduil.

“Because you confiscated my stereo.”

“Why did I do that?” asked Thranduil.

“I have no idea,” said Legolas.

Thranduil remembered. “Oh yes,” he said. “You had that annoying song stuck on repeat and it kept on playing and playing and playing and I was in an important meeting too, and I told you to turn it off and you got your finger stuck in the mechanism and you were yelling for help and the ambassador for Imladris made a snide comment about Mirkwood and technology... No wonder I confiscated it.”

Legolas shuddered at the unpleasant memory. “It wouldn’t turn off,” he said. “I was trying my hardest. The button was stuck.”

Thranduil and Legolas walked out to the car.

“I think it would be cool if you got a helicopter,” said Legolas. “Helicopters are really neat.”

“I’m not getting a helicopter,” said Thranduil. “They’re dangerous. And I wouldn’t let you anywhere near one.”

“What about a zip-line?” suggested Legolas. “It would be traveling in style.”

“That is the weirdest idea I’ve ever heard you come up with,” said Thranduil. “Pass me a screwdriver.”

Legolas looked at Thranduil’s tool rack. There were hundreds of screwdrivers hanging up neatly in some kind of order. He closed his eyes and yanked one off. “Here, Dad,” he said.

Thranduil took the screwdriver and crawled into the car. He began rattling around. There was a loud banging noise.

“Pass me a wrench,” said Thranduil.

Legolas found a wrench and passed it to his father. Sounds of something being wrenched met his ears.

“Pass me a hammer,” said Thranduil.

Legolas selected a hammer and passed it in.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Thud.

“Ouch,” yelped Thranduil.

Legolas saw some Elves looking at him strangely. He leaned against the car casually, whistling.

“Pass me my table saw,” said Thranduil.

Legolas looked at the table saw. “It’s a bit big,” he said.

Thranduil muttered something inaudible. Legolas continued whistling.

“Pass me a sandwich,” said Thranduil. “This job could take all day.”

Legolas went off to make a sandwich. As he was cutting up some bread, he heard a loud explosion. He peered out the window. Thranduil stood by the car, covered in grease and coughing.

“Is everything coming along all right?” yelled Legolas out the window.

“Yeah!” cried Thranduil happily. “I think your CD player is installed.”

“That’s nice,” said Legolas. “Would you prefer butter or mayonnaise, turkey or venison, Edam cheese or cheddar or extra-sharp cheddar, soy sauce or mustard, lettuce or tomato?”

Thranduil blinked. “I’ll take everything,” he said. “I’m hungry.”

Legolas rummaged around in the refrigerator. “Um... Dad, the cheddar is moldy,” he shouted out the window.

“Well, don’t put it in then,” Thranduil yelled back. He grabbed some sandpaper and went back into the car.

“I’m glad I didn’t ask him to install it in my car,” said Legolas. He cut up some Edam cheese and rolled up the red wax it came in. He liked the red wax. It made a great clown nose.

“I’m just painting the car, Legolas,” shouted Thranduil. “Do you like forest green or dragon green or seasick green?”

“Forest green,” said Legolas. He started assembling the sandwich. “By the way,” he said, sticking his head out of the window again, “do you like your sandwich cut into rectangles or squares?”

“How about little triangles?” said Thranduil, prying open a paint tin.

Legolas looked at the sandwich. “I think I need a bigger knife.”

Just then, a mailman entered the room. “I have a letter for you,” he said.

“That’s nice,” said Legolas.

“It’s from King Elessar,” added the mailman.

Legolas grabbed the letter and ripped it open. “He’s finally replied,” he muttered happily. Legolas had sent the king at least twenty-five letters in the past two months. Obviously, the king did not like the idea of being pen-pals. “And after all the nasty predicaments I got him out of too,” Legolas thought gloomily.

This was not a reply. This was an invitation. Legolas sighed. “Dad,” he yelled out the window. Thranduil was scraping the old paint off the car. “Don’t do anything too damaging to the car. We’re going to need it!”

Thranduil rubbed his forehead. “Oops. I guess I should put the engine back in.”

“What?” squeaked Legolas.

“Just kidding,” said Thranduil. “And where’s that sandwich?”

Legolas stuffed the sandwich in a paper bag. His father would have to cut it into little triangles himself. He could use the table saw.

A few minutes later, Thranduil was munching the sandwich contentedly. The table saw had done a very decent job of cutting it into little triangles. “This car is going to be really cool when I’m done with it,” he said.

Legolas glanced at the mangled wreck. “You sure?”

“Of course!” said Thranduil. “Go and pack your bag.”

Legolas packed his bag. Then he packed his father’s bag. Then he stole his father’s lap top computer. Then he did some surfing of the Web. He heard his father come up the stairs. He hid the lap top under his bed.

“I’m ready to go,” said Thranduil. He grabbed his bag.

“Great!” said Legolas cheerfully. “I’m ready too.”

They strolled out to the garage. Legolas stared at the car in shock.

It was one cool car.

“Wow,” said Legolas. “Cool.”

“I know,” said Thranduil. He patted it affectionately.

“I really like the logo on the front,” said Legolas. “You’re good with that air brush.”

“Thanks,” said Thranduil.

“All it needs is a sunroof,” said Legolas.

“Hmm...” said Thranduil thoughtfully.

“Well,” said Legolas, shoving the suitcases in the trunk, “let’s go.”

CHAPTER THREE

Elrond was sitting in his study, drinking tea. It was a beautiful day in Imladris. As of yet, nothing had gone wrong. The Elf-Lord was beginning to relax. Unfortunately, Elrond had been too engaged in his work, and had not noticed Glorfindel sneaking by with a blowtorch.

Glorfindel stood in his own study, wielding the blowtorch. He hated the nasty green paint on the mantlepiece of his fireplace. He was going to remove it. He also had an audience: Lindir was watching with wide eyes. “It’s really quite simple,” said Glorfindel coolly. “Look at this.” He switched the blowtorch on.

Elrond took another sip of tea. He could hear some people talking nearby, and without really noticing, he began to listen.

“Is it meant to do that?”

“Of course! I am in complete control. See? There’s hardly any paint left.”

“Yeah, but there’s hardly any mantlepiece left either.”

A few moments of silence.

“Um... Glorfindel?”

“What?”

“Is that your paperwork?”

“Oh, help! It’s on fire!”

“Oh no!”

“Quick, find a bucket of water!”

“Where?”

“I don’t know! Just find one!”

“Yes, Lord Glorfindel.”

Sounds of crashing.

“Well, that certainly didn’t work.”

“The fire is spreading!”

“I see that, Lindir. I’m not dense, you know.”

“Lord Elrond’s chair is on fire!”

“Oh no! That one was his favorite!”

Elrond froze. He did not like the sound of the word ‘was’.

“What’s going on in here?”

“Erestor! Help put the fire out!”

“YOU SET YOUR ROOM ON FIRE???”

“Not intentionally!”

“Duck, Lindir!”

Another crash.

“Look out! Falling bookshelf!”

Screams.

Sounds of Elves running for their lives.

“Look! A hose! Turn it on!”

“Quickly! Before the fire reaches the library!”

“Nothing’s happening!”

“Erestor, did you turn the knob-thingy enough?”

“Wait. There’s a kink in the hose.”

SPLOOSH!!!

Screams.

“It serves you right for looking down it, Glorfindel.”

“Well, nothing was coming out.”

“That was because there was a kink.”

“I’m wet.”

“Yes, Lindir, we know.”

“Let’s go put the fire out.”

“Oh. The overhead sprinklers have switched on.”

“Hooray! The fire’s out!”

“We saved the day! Yippee!”

“You’re both idiots.”

“We’re alive!”

“That’s nice. You’re live idiots. Lovely... I’m going back to bed. I can’t believe my day began like this.”

Erestor went by. He did not look happy. His robe was singed.

Elrond took another sip of tea. He did not want to know what had happened. He could guess, of course, but he didn’t want to know.

Lindir trotted down the hallway. He was soaking wet. He was holding the charred remains of a chair. Elrond choked on his tea.

“Lindir,” he said casually, once he had stopped choking. “Is that my armchair?”

Lindir halted abruptly and glanced down at the wreckage as if he’d never seen it before. “Umm... this?”

“Yes, that,” said Elrond.

“I think it is,” said Lindir. “Glorfindel told me to take it outside and bury it.”

“Really? That’s very interesting.”

Lindir nodded. “I think so too,” he said.

Elrond seethed with rage for a few minutes. Then he said, “Where is Glorfindel anyway?”

There was another loud crash.

Lindir smiled cheerfully. “He must be over there.”

The two Elves listened curiously.

“Oops. Um... Erestor, I accidently knocked over your... um ...”

“What have you done now?”

“This was yours, right?”

“GLORFINDEL!!!”

Sounds of Erestor throwing something heavy at Glorfindel’s head.

Sounds of Erestor’s projectile hitting the wall. Hopefully. Better the wall than Glorfindel’s head.

Sounds of Glorfindel fleeing for his life.

Glorfindel sprinted into Elrond’s room, made a perfunctory bow in Elrond’s direction, and jumped into Elrond’s wardrobe. A few moments later, Erestor dashed into the room as well. His bow was slightly more elaborate, but he seemed rather distracted.

“Er... what did Glorfindel do?” asked Elrond worriedly.

“He broke my trophy cabinet!” wailed Erestor. “He smashed all my beautiful trophies!”

They all hurried out into the hallway. Erestor pointed at his trophy cabinet. It was lying on the ground, shattered into a million mangled pieces.

Erestor was very proud of his trophy cabinet. He was always getting prizes for being organized, or sarcastic, or a good advisor. The loss of his cabinet seemed to be driving him around the bend.

“I’m going to wring Glorfindel’s neck!” cried Erestor.

At this moment, the mail-elf came in. He handed Elrond a letter. Elrond opened the letter.

“What is it?” asked Lindir curiously.

“It’s a telephone bill,” said Elrond.

The mail-elf handed Elrond another letter. Elrond opened it.

“What is it?” asked Lindir curiously. Again.

“It’s an invitation from King Elessar,” said Elrond. “We’re all invited to his palace to party.”

“Oh, fun!” said Lindir.

At that moment, Elladan and Elrohir shot into the room. They were on skateboards. “What’s going on?” asked Elladan, executing a very cool move on his skateboard. The twins came to halt and bowed.

“No extreme sports in the house!” yelled Elrond. “Get the skateboards out of here!”

“This isn’t dangerous,” said Elrohir. “You should see what we can do on the stairs.”

“We’re going to go to Gondor,” said Elrond briskly. “Let’s all pack.”

They all ran off and packed. Then they hurried out to the car.

“Will we all fit?” asked Glorfindel.

Elrond read the letter again. “Well, it says that all the inhabitants of Imladris are invited,” he said.

They looked at the car.

“We won’t all fit, then,” said Erestor.

“How about a select few?” asked Elrohir. “There’s room for a select few, right?”

The six Elves looked at each other. They looked at the car, which was, in fact, a mini-van. Then, as one, they scrambled inside, lugging their luggage behind them.

After several minutes of fighting for the steering wheel, Elrond emerged the victor. He switched on the engine. He turned the radio on. He found the classical music station.

“Not classical music!” whined Elladan. “I hate classical music!”

“I’m driving,” said Elrond. “So there.”

Glorfindel, who was sitting in the front seat, beside Lord Elrond, carefully unfolded the map and stared at it gloomily. It was upside-down. “This is going to be a very long trip,” he said.

CHAPTER FOUR

“I feel car-sick,” moaned Orophin.

“I’m sure you do,” retorted Rumil. “You haven’t stopped eating snacks for two hours.”

“But I get hungry in the car!” the Elf wailed. “I have to eat!”

Rumil snatched the snacks from Orophin. “Ha, starve! The snacks are mine!”

“Greedy, greedy,” said Haldir. “Pass me some crackers before you eat all of them.”

“You can’t have any,” said Rumil, sticking out his tongue. “You’re dieting.”

“No, I’m not,” said Haldir. “We’ve discussed this already. I Am Thin.”

“You Are Fat,” said Rumil. “By eating these crackers, I am saving you from the humiliation of not fitting into your clothes.”

“I’m not fat!” said Haldir. “Elves don’t get fat! It’s impossible!”

“You wish,” said Rumil. He tried to open the packet of snacks, but failed miserably.

“Must be fool-proof,” said Haldir. He grabbed the snacks. “See? It says ‘tear here’ right there. All you have to do is rip along the line.”

Haldir tried to rip along the line, but the slippery plastic packet defied his every effort. Rumil sniggered.

“Well, you open it then!” snapped Haldir. He shoved the packet at his brother.

Rumil squeezed the bag tightly and it popped with a loud bang. A cracker hit him in the face.

Meanwhile, up at the front, Galadriel was fiddling with the radio controls. She wanted to listen to the news. However, she could not find the news station, due to static. Her fiddling was getting on Celeborn’s nerves.

“Could you please stop fiddling?” he asked. “I have to concentrate on driving.”

“You have to concentrate?” asked Galadriel. “I thought that driving was mindless enough even for you.”

“You might think driving is a mindless activity, but I take it seriously,” said Celeborn. He drove a little slower.

“This road is completely straight,” said Galadriel. “And there isn’t a car in sight.”

“We’re going to have to take the ferry soon,” said Celeborn, tactlessly changing the subject. “Do you have some money to pay for it?”

“Money? Why should I have to pay? You’re the one driving,” said Galadriel, pressing another button. The radio fizzled.

“At least you could operate the map,” said Celeborn.

“OK,” said Galadriel. “For you, I will do such a thing.” She unfolded the map. “Wow. Minis Tirith is farther away than I thought.”

“Fortunately, with all this technology,” said Celeborn, “we can get there in only a few hours!”

“More like a few days,” said Galadriel. She peered at the map. “All right. We’ll stop in the Fields of Celebrant for a picnic, and then take the ferry across the Limlight. Then we’ll drive across the Wold until we reach the Entwash. We could stop in Fangorn,” she added slyly.

Celeborn choked. “Not the Fangorn! It’s dangerous! Didn’t I warn the Fellowship not to go through it? And look what happened to them!”

Galadriel looked at him blankly. “Nothing happened to them.”

“That’s because... because... because... uh...”

“No fear,” said Galadriel. “We don’t have to go through it. It was only a suggestion.” She frowned at the map again. “Once we get across the Entwash, we’ll cut across Mering Stream, drive through Anórien, and be in Minis Tirith in only a few more hours.”

“So how long will that take us in all?”

“Maybe three days,” said Galadriel.

Celeborn’s eyes bugged out. “Three days?”

“I told you it would take a long time,” said Galadriel smugly. She folded the map up.

In the back seat, Haldir, Rumil and Orophin began whining.

“Three days of misery?”

“We’ll starve to death if we try to survive on crackers!”

“Rumil’s umbrella keeps hitting me in the face! I could lose an eye!”

“Orophin is smelly!”

“I’m smelly, am I? Take that!”

“Ouch!”

“Ha!”

“Die, Orophin!”

“Aargh!”

“Hey, give me my umbrella back! It’s not a weapon!”

“It is now!”

Clunk.

“Ow.”

Crunch.

“Ow.”

Crack.

“Ow.”

Galadriel turned up the radio. The static hissed loudly. Celeborn drove a little faster, his eyes narrowed as he struggled to concentrate.

“My nose is bleeding!”

“Haldir, look what you did!”

“That’s not blood.”

“What is it then? Tomato sauce?”

“No. His nose isn’t bleeding.”

“You’re right. It isn’t.”

“I thought it was, though.”

“You are so annoying. I am going to eat the rest of the crackers. And give me back my umbrella, Haldir.”

“No problem, Rumil.”

Bash.

“Eek!”

Galadriel twisted around in her seat, scowling at the miscreants behind her. “All right, you wretches, this is your last chance to be quiet before I relegate you all to dishwashing duty!”

There was a stricken silence in the back seat. Galadriel could be very scary when she wanted to.

Celeborn sighed in relief. “Thank you, Galadriel.”

“You’re welcome, darling.”

Galadriel opened a packet. “Mmm. Jacob’s Cream Crackers,” she said. “My favorite.” She nibbled one.

“Maybe we could stop somewhere for doughnuts,” suggested Celeborn. He was feeling very generous. He peered out the window. “I’m not sure where they sell doughnuts, though.”

“Maybe they sell some doughnuts there,” said Galadriel, pointing to a big sign that said ‘DOUGHNUTS’ in large capital letters.

“Oh, yes,” said Celeborn. “Ok, everyone get out of the car.”

Galadriel was looking at the sign again. “This place is called ‘Merry the Magnificent’s Marvelous Doughnuttery.”

“Doughnuttery?”

“I guess if you can have a nunnery, and a cannery, and a bakery, you can have a doughnuttery.”

“What did the nunnery have to do with that?” asked Celeborn.

“It ends in ‘ery’, that’s all,” said Galadriel. She opened the door and stepped inside.

“Hel-lo,” said Merry. “Welcome to Merry the Magnificent’s Marvelous Doughnuttery! Watch me juggle doughnuts!”

“Do you sell Munchkins?” asked Haldir.

Merry glared at him. “What are you insinuating! I am a very tall hobbit, you freak!”

“No,” said Haldir. “I meant the little doughnut holes. They’re called Munchkins.”

“We don’t sell Munchkins here,” said Merry, scowling. “So, how can I serve you?”

“I’d like to buy a dozen glazed doughnuts,” said Celeborn.

The doughnuts having been bought and paid for, the five Elves made their way back to the car. Galadriel leapt into the driver’s seat and grabbed the steering wheel. “It’s my turn to drive the car,” she said. “Eat your doughnuts.”

Celeborn sat down in the passenger’s seat, then handed out doughnuts to the three Elves in the back. “And,” he said grimly, “don’t get any stickiness on the nice clean car seats.”

“OK,” said Rumil cheerfully.

Galadriel drove off at a speed that made Celeborn very nervous. His wife was always wrecking cars, and this one was special. It was his car. Not only was she driving quickly, but she was eating a doughnut at the same time! They were doomed.

Celeborn began praying to the Valar as hard as he could. His main request was that the car be spared.

“Um... Lord Celeborn? I dropped my doughnut and it rolled under your seat,” said Orophin apologetically.

“Here, I’ll get it,” said Rumil. He stuck his umbrella under the Elf-Lord’s seat, and eventually produced what remained of the half-eaten doughnut. They all stared at it blankly, for now it resembled a dust bunny of horrifying proportions.

“Wow, this car is dirty,” said Orophin.

Celeborn was nearly ready to strangle the Elf. “You got my car sticky!” he cried. “My beautiful car!”

Galadriel violently swerved Celeborn’s ‘beautiful car’ to one side, and the four other Elves stopped arguing and instinctively assumed crash positions.

“What are you doing?” gasped Celeborn, sure that he was about to die. There was no point in praying anymore. The Valar obviously hated him.

“Sorry,” said Galadriel, finishing her doughnut and licking her sugary fingers. “I almost hit a rabbit.”

“What? You never try to avoid hitting people. Why did you swerve to avoid hitting a rabbit?” asked Celeborn, peeking over the top of the dashboard.

“I belong to the ‘Society for the Prevention of Squished Rabbits’,” said Galadriel. “As a member of the society, I am not allowed to run over our furry friends.”

“Our furry friends?” asked Haldir.

“Umm... Lord Celeborn? I accidently mashed my second doughnut into the back of your chair,” said Orophin apologetically.

Celeborn made a strangled squeaking noise.

CHAPTER FIVE

In the first few seconds of their car ride, Thranduil and Legolas learned something about each other. Thranduil learned that Legolas liked heavy metal music, and Legolas learned that Thranduil hated heavy metal music. In fact, Thranduil hated heavy metal so much that he yanked Legolas’s brand new CD out of the carefully installed CD player, and threw it out the window (the CD, not the carefully installed CD player).

Legolas sat there for a while in a state of shock. The loss of his CD was a tragedy almost nothing could rival. Then he said, “Now what are we supposed to listen to?”

Thranduil glared at his son halfheartedly, his ears still ringing from the near-deafening sounds his CD player had just emitted. “How do they make music like that? By beating on tin trash cans and screaming?”

Legolas shrugged. “I think so.”

“But what’s appealing about that?”

“It’s cool,” said Legolas grumpily.

“When I was little, I never listened to music like that,” said Thranduil nobly.

“No, I suppose you listened to the ‘roll, roll, roll’ song all the time,” growled Legolas.

“Anyway,” continued Thranduil, “you’ll ruin your ears if you listen to stuff like that too much.”

“Why do you care? They’re my ears.”

“Well, while I’m stuck in the same car as you, I would prefer to listen to something soothing,” said Thranduil.

They were driving down Mirkwood’s one main road. It was very dark, and Thranduil had his headlights on. Father and son sat in the car, similar expressions of gloom on their faces.

“What kind of party are we going to?” asked Thranduil after a moment. “How fancy is it? Did you remember to pack some of my rare and expensive jewels so that I can flaunt them in front of Lord Celeborn?”

“No, somehow the rare and expensive jewels escaped my mind,” said Legolas, rolling his eyes in traditional sulky-teenager style.

“Pity,” said Thranduil.

Suddenly a giant spider skittered across the road. The Elvenking slammed on his brakes a second too late, and the two dazed Elves watched the unfortunate spider fly through the air and hit a tree.

“What was that for?” wailed Legolas, rubbing his head.

“Just testing the air bag,” said Thranduil innocently.

“It doesn’t work,” said Legolas. “You should get it repaired. We can stop at a shop somewhere.”

Thranduil shook his head. “It’s not a problem. I’ll fix it sometime.”

“Not a problem?” Legolas’s voice was high with incredulity. “We could have died!”

“I doubt that,” said Thranduil. “I’m good at driving.”

“I don’t think so,” said Legolas. “I want to drive. I think I should get to drive.”

“It’s my car,” said Thranduil with an obnoxious grin. “I can’t have you wrecking it.”

“I wouldn’t wreck it,” said Legolas.

“Aha, that’s what you said before you carelessly dropped my beautiful staple gun down the stairs,” said Thranduil. “Not only did you break the staple gun, but you almost stapled the ambassador from Imladris to the floor.”

Legolas mused over his father’s comment for a moment, and then said, “So that’s why our foreign policy is in ruins! I wondered why Imladris threatened to declare war on Mirkwood.”

Thranduil rolled his eyes in traditional longsuffering-father style. “I do grow tired of the ambassador making derogatory comments about Mirkwood. You’re damaging my reputation as a king who is trying to provide his kingdom with technological advancement.”

Legolas frowned. “Are we nearly out of Mirkwood?”

“Don’t start asking aggravating questions. Use the map.”

Legolas pulled out the map and examined it carefully. He could hardly see anything in the darkness. “I think we’re almost out,” he said. “Happy driving. I’m getting some sleep.”

And so he did.

.

Legolas woke up a while later when his father inconsiderately turned on the radio. Loud Dwarven percussion filled the car and the Elf sat up with gasp of shock to see King Thranduil smiling at him cheerfully.

“Wakey, wakey, little princeling,” said Thranduil with horrifying good will.

“Aah! Turn the music off! Turn it off!” yelled Legolas.

Thranduil turned the music off. “I thought you’d like to know we’re out of Mirkwood,” he said.

Legolas looked around. It was bright and sunny. “Thanks,” he growled.

“My pleasure,” replied Thranduil, looking as if he was deriving a good deal of amusement from the whole situation. “You mentioned that the car would look good with a sunroof,” he added.

“Yes,” said Legolas carefully.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” said Thranduil, “and it seems like a silly idea. Sunroofs are all the better for letting spiders in. However, since we’re out of Mirkwood, and the sun does shine here, I thought we might as well get one.”

Legolas blinked. “Oh,” he said.

“See there,” continued Thranduil with a sweep of his hand.

Legolas squinted into the glaring sunlight, and saw what appeared to be a car repair shop. Someone had nailed a sign in the ground that read Sunroofs installed while you wait.

“That sounds interesting,” he said.

“Doesn’t it?” said Thranduil. “Come on. Let’s go in.”

Thranduil parked the car and the two Elves went inside the shop. They halted and looked around. The little building was filled with Dwarves sitting around and eating sandwiches. Thranduil did not like Dwarves, but Legolas, having become friends with Gimli, knew that they weren’t too bad.

“I’m at your service,” said a Dwarf, lumbering forward and glaring up at the two. “What can I do for you?”

“We’d like a sunroof installed,” gasped Legolas, still somewhat surprised by all the Dwarves.

To Thranduil’s dismay, the Dwarf began cackling evilly to himself and cracking his knuckles. “Oh, we like doing sunroofs,” he said, leering. “Where would you like to wait? The procedure will only take a moment.”

“I’d like to watch,” said Thranduil, suddenly doubtful about leaving his precious car in Dwarven hands.

“Certainly,” said the Dwarf. “Step out this way.”

Thranduil and Legolas stepped outside again.

“Nice logo you got on the front,” said the Dwarf.

“Er... thanks,” said Thranduil, wondering if getting a sunroof installed was a good idea.

“You may be seated,” said the Dwarf regally, pointing to a bench. Disconcerted, Thranduil and Legolas sat down without question. The Dwarf hurried back into his shop and returned with six of his coworkers. Much to the Elvenking’s dismay, they were all carrying axes.

The first Dwarf scrambled up onto the roof of the car. His assistant handed him an axe. The Dwarf raised the axe above his head, roared something in Dwarvish, and brought the axe down sharply. Thranduil gave a strangled exclamation of shock and horror, but seemed more petrified than outraged. Legolas merely winced.

“They’re destroying my car!” yelled Thranduil a moment later, when his mind caught up with what his eyes were seeing. “They’re hitting it with their axes!”

Legolas watched as the Dwarf brought his axe down again. Something crunched. Metal shrieked. Chips of forest-green car shrapnel whizzed through the air. Thanduil’s eyes were nearly popping out of his head.

The Dwarves swarmed over the car, chattering excitedly in their deep Dwarven voices. Thranduil looked as if he was about to explode. Legolas wondered how long it would be before his father killed one of the mechanics. He wondered if his father (an Elvenking!) could get put in jail for murder. He hoped not. They would miss Aragorn’s party.

“Don’t do anything rash,” the prince whispered.

Thranduil choked. “Don’t do anything rash?” he asked. “They’re hacking my car to pieces!”

The Elvenking dashed forward, obviously intending to come to the aid of his car. Legolas tried to tackle him unobtrusively. He didn’t want the Dwarves attacking him.

Thranduil and Legolas went down in a heap. Thranduil was furious. Legolas was winded. The Dwarves were still having the time of their little Dwarven lives.

The main Dwarf reached down and yanked a large, perfectly rectangular piece of metal off the car. He tossed it to his coworkers. They cheered happily, and ran off to get glass for the window.

“Will you let go of my arm?” demanded Thranduil after he and Legolas had thrashed around on the ground for a few minutes.

“If you’ll let go of my hair,” muttered Legolas. “I’m in pain.”

Thranduil let go of Legolas’s hair. Legolas let go of his father’s arm. “You got my nice tunic dirty,” commented Thranduil, brushing dust off himself grimly.

“So sorry. I apologize,” said Legolas. Then he said, “Dad, look at the car! Look at the sunroof!”

The Dwarves were standing around the car, beaming all over their fuzzy faces. One Dwarf was taking pictures (‘for the website’ he later explained). “Behold!” said one Dwarf proudly.

The Dwarves watched Legolas and Thranduil test the sunroof, smiling and gazing modestly at their feet.

“It’s lovely,” said Thranduil. “I like the remote that allows me to open and shut it.”

“Yes, it’s our special spider-repelling feature,” said the main Dwarf.

“How much does it cost?” asked Thranduil belatedly.

The Dwarf named a sum. For the second time that day, Thranduil looked rather shocked. Then he said, “All right, Legolas, get out my money.”

Legolas glanced at his father blankly. “What money?”

“The money we have to pay the Dwarves,” said Thranduil distinctly. “Didn’t you pack some?”

“No,” said Legolas.

“What?” bellowed Thranduil, enraged.

“What?” bellowed the Dwarves, equally enraged.

Legolas began edging towards the car. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I forgot.”

“Perhaps we could trade something,” said the Dwarf.

“I’ll give you my son,” said Thranduil. “I can ransom him later.”

Legolas’s jaw dropped. “You wouldn’t do something like that to me! You wouldn’t... right?”

Thranduil looked quite serious. “I really want to go to Aragorn’s party,” he said.

The Dwarves perked up. “We want to go to Aragorn’s party too,” they chorused.

“Perhaps some agreement could be reached,” said Legolas desperately.

“If you’d give us a lift,” said one of the Dwarves, “we wouldn’t make you pay for the sunroof.”

“That sounds good!” exclaimed Legolas brightly.

Thranduil swallowed, imagining his car being ripped apart by the seven Dwarves. “Are you sure you don’t want Legolas?”

“Don’t think he’d make a good mechanic,” said a Dwarf.

Legolas smiled radiantly and tried to look completely incompetent.

“If you can all fit, I suppose. . .” said Thranduil doubtfully.

The Dwarves all began piling in, bringing their axes with them. Thranduil almost moaned. Legolas bounced nimbly into the passenger’s seat and fastened his seat belt. “Come on, Dad, what are you waiting for?” he asked.

Thranduil stalked towards the car, an expression of outrage on his face.

“He can’t kill me with seven witnesses. He can’t kill me with seven witnesses. He can’t kill me with seven witnesses,” thought Legolas over and over.

“There’s not much room back here,” commented a Dwarf.

CHAPTER SIX

(Somewhere in Imladris. . .)

An Elf knocked on Lord Elrond’s door.

Silence.

The Elf opened the door and tentatively stuck in his head inside the room.

No one was there.

The Elf began to panic in his quiet Elven fashion.

Another Elf wandered by. The first Elf asked her, “Have you seen Lord Elrond?”

“No. Why do you ask?” she replied.

“Because he’s not in his office. He never leaves his office,” said the Elf.

“Oh Valar, he’s been abducted by aliens!” squealed the second Elf, clapping her hands over her mouth in horror.

“Huh?”

“Aliens! You know, with death rays and flying platters and things!” shrieked the second Elf. “Hide! Hide! You never know who’ll be next!” she added, dashing down the hall.

She encountered a third Elf. “Have you seen Lord Erestor?” he asked her. “He’s not in the library, and he never leaves the library.”

And thus the Great Panic of 3020 T.A. began...

(Meanwhile, in the car of Lord Elrond. . .)

Lord Elrond and Co. were listening to a piano concerto in D minor. Times of trial bring out the best in some people, and the worst in others. Elladan and Lindir were the others, in this case.

“Can we please listen to something else?” whined Elladan. “We’ve been listening to classical music for five hours!”

Lindir was more dramatic in his complaints. “I’m dying! I’m dying! I can’t take it anymore!” he wailed, collapsing theatrically on top of Erestor. Erestor did not appreciate this. He elbowed Lindir in the eye. Lindir’s wails became slightly more genuine.

“Well, I love classical music, and I’m driving,” said Elrond, “so you better get used to it.” He happily hummed along.

Glorfindel had been wrestling with the map for quite some time. He had folded it into a hat. Now he put it on. “Look, I’m a hippie!”

“Hippos don’t wear hats,” snapped Erestor, who was feeling very cranky.

“I didn’t say I was a hippo.” Glorfindel was offended. He took the hat off and began folding it into a boat.

Meanwhile, Erestor opened his backpack and pulled out a bundle of letters. He read the first one.

Dear Erestor, [said the letter]

My wife hates my pet dog and wants him dead. I’m afraid that she might poison his dinner and so I’m beginning to have nightmares about her killing my poor, sweet, little Fluffums. On the other hand, I’m afraid that if I don’t give darling Fluffums away, she’ll poison me instead. What should I do?

Signed,
Worried Dog Owner

Erestor sighed, pulled out a pencil and a notepad and thought for a moment. Then he wrote:

Dear Worried Dog Owner,

It seems that your problem mostly stems from having married a psychopath. In this situation, it would probably be kindest to give ‘Fluffums’ to a family that would appreciate him more. However, you could always keep him and simply test his dinner before you give it to him. If the nightmares persist, you should probably undergo some therapy. Perhaps therapy for your wife would be in order as well.

Here Erestor stopped writing. He was vaguely remembering a motto Gildor had related to him once. What was it again? Something like, Go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes...?

Pushing such nagging doubts to the back of his mind, Erestor selected the next letter.

Dear Erestor, [the letter said]

I feel like a nervous wreck. My sons are rambunctious, my advisors are insane, and the Elves under my rule are prone to frequent outbursts of hysteria. What should I do to make my career a happier one?

Signed,
The Lord of Imladris

Erestor considered the possibilities. They were pleasant ones. Then he wrote, with much gusto:

Dear The Lord of Imladris,

For a start, you should send the most annoying of your advisors to Lothlorien, as it has been scientifically proven that golden-haired Elves are disruptive in the workplace. You should send your sons to Lothlorien as well; there is a very good boarding school there. To maintain stability within your realm, be sure to reward your more hard-working advisors with frequent holidays and bookstore gift-cards.

Erestor’s eyes glazed over slightly as he considered all the books he could buy with a gift-card. And frequent holidays... he could go to Minas Tirith and root through the ancient library there.

Erestor remembered something. They were going to Minas Tirith! That was why he was in the car sitting next to Lindir. That was why he was suffering through Lindir’s horrible harmonica playing. Erestor hated harmonicas. However, he would gladly suffer through anything just to see the library at Minas Tirith!

Lindir was playing a sea shanty on his harmonica. He had managed to drown out the sound of the piano concerto. Elrond turned up the music with a much violence as one can exert on a small knob. Glorfindel rummaged in his bag for the earplugs he had packed.

MC 2006 Awards

2006-09-22T00:04:40Z

Return of the Ranger won 2nd place for 'Best Elrond Fun' in the Mellon Chronicles 2006 Fanfiction Awards!

I have my own pretty little banner now, with Elrond on it.

My thanks to the people who nominated and/or voted for my story.

Bizarre Erestor 'Angst'

2006-08-12T01:42:58Z

I've been going through my files, looking at all the snippets I've begun over the years and never completed. Just found something labeled Bizarre Erestor Angst, which made me curious.

Evidently the scene was supposed to end with Erestor experiencing some angsty moment. However, I broke off at the point when Erestor's reaction to certain events was totally obvious. It was the work of a moment to finish this thing.

This really isn't worth posting on ff.net, so I'm putting it here.

Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to The Lord of the Rings. There's no way anyone would pay me to write this sort of thing.

Erestor had a corner in the library that belonged to him. It was not the easiest place to find, as it was hidden by several bookshelves, and it tended to be dark and gloomy, but it was his. No one bothered him when he was there, and he could work hard on important things without Lindir breathing down his neck and humming in an aggravating way.

It was a winter’s day, and the weather was perfect for sitting in front of a fire and sipping hot drinks, but Erestor was copying out a book that Lord Celeborn wanted for his collection in Lothlorien. Erestor found the work nearly enjoyable. He had spent hours working on a single page, weaving the first letter of each paragraph into a delicately twisted pattern. Leaves and flowers bordered the sheet of parchment and brightly colored birds nestled here and there. Erestor was outlining a letter in golden ink, concentrating hard on his work. The effect would be breathtaking.

“Lord Erestor? Are you there?”

There were two Elves in Imladris who would actively seek Erestor out when he tried to disappear. One was Glorfindel, who Erestor rather liked. The other was Lindir, who Erestor definitely disliked. Unfortunately for the advisor, it was Lindir who hurried through the library yelling his name.

“Erestor! I know you’re in here!”

Erestor remained silent, hoping that the minstrel would give up and go away. He bit the end of his quill pen worriedly as Lindir’s footsteps came closer.

Lindir rounded a bookshelf and beamed at Erestor in what appeared to be genuine delight. “There you are! I brought you a hot drink! It’s cold in here.”

Erestor looked at Lindir silently. He disliked talking, especially when he could make his feelings known merely by glaring.

“You won’t be very useful if you freeze to death,” commented Lindir cheerfully, slamming the drink down on Erestor’s desk. Something hot and milky spilled out of the mug and splashed all over Erestor’s parchment.

Erestor’s eyes widened in horror. Lindir gave a little gasp, and then tried to mop the mess up. He managed to smear wet ink everywhere.

“Oh dear, I’m sorry, Lord Erestor,” he apologized, staring at his green fingers and trying not to meet Erestor’s eyes.

“Die, Lindir! Die, die, die!” yelled Erestor, stabbing Lindir repeatedly with his quill pen.

“What are you doing, Erestor?” cried Glorfindel, entering the room, and being horrified by the grisly scene.

“Save me!” wailed Lindir.

“Uh... I’d really prefer not to interfere,” said Glorfindel, leaving.

Eventually, in an act of desperation, Lindir was able to knock Erestor unconscious with the mug. He crawled brokenly from the room, having learned a valuable lesson about interacting with savage advisors.

Glorfindel lived happily ever after.

The End.

100 Ideas for Your Inevitable Legolas Fanfic

2005-05-28T01:43:31Z

The list continues. In this section, a larger variety of genres are covered. It would probably help to read the first installment before this one.

I have put stars next to the ideas I have actually read about in a work of fanfiction.

Enjoy!

100 IDEAS FOR YOUR INEVITABLE LEGOLAS FANFIC (CONT.)

Part Two: 51-100

Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to the Lord of the Rings. I do, however, own this list.

Romance Options

Warning: You have a 99% chance of being flamed if you write a romance. Just to let you know.

Advice: In these stories, always make Legolas fall in love with the female before she has fallen in love with him. We can’t have the heroine seeming too desperate, can we? In the best scenario, they hate each other at first. In the second best scenario, she thinks of him as ‘just a friend’, while he would gladly die for her. It’s so romantic that way.

51. Legolas falls into our world, meets the girl of his dreams and falls in love with her.

This is why (or we’ll pretend this is why) Legolas did not marry in Middle-Earth. The girl of his dreams (GOHD) lives elsewhere! And of course he’ll have to meet her somehow. So, one day, as he’s strolling through Mirkwood, whistling a merry tune, he accidentally tumbles into Idaho or wherever the GOHD lives. And she’s calm in a crisis and he falls in love with her. And eventually she falls in love with him. And he decides to stay in Idaho (or wherever) because Mirkwood was so terrible and his father was so cruel to him. And everyone is happy. Except for Thranduil, who has repented, but too late.

52. Legolas falls in love with a mortal and she is transformed into an Elf.

Legolas does not deserve to be thwarted in love! The girl does not deserve to die! Cleverly remove all obstacles to their marriage by transforming the Sue into an Elf! It’s more convenient for everyone.

Advice: For this sort of story, feel free to include in Middle-Earth unicorns, fairies, and other cute creatures that Tolkien forgot to mention in his writings. Recycle your ‘There Are Vampires in Middle-Earth’ essay by replacing the word ‘vampire’ with ‘unicorn’ every time it appears. Then taunt the purists some more.

Alternate Idea: Legolas falls in love with a mortal and becomes mortal too. (The downside to this story is that Legolas will have to die, poor Elf.)*

Alternate Idea for the Alternate Idea: Legolas falls in love with a mortal, becomes mortal too, and then he and she become Elves when Mandos has pity on them. (This way Legolas does not have to die! Hooray!)

53. Legolas meets a girl at a ball, and falls in love with her.*

Advice: Neither the girl nor Legolas should WANT to be at the ball. This way, they have something in common already. They can stand around, whining about how awful balls are, while snacking on various Mirkwood delicacies. (And, no, I don’t know what sort of things are considered delicacies in Mirkwood. Make something up.)

54. Legolas meets a girl in the wilds, and falls in love with her.

At the time, she should either be in trouble, or be absolutely routing whatever enemy was foolish enough to attack her. If she’s in trouble, Legolas can save her. If she’s taking care of herself in the face of horrific odds, Legolas can be impressed by her skill. She explains that she’s hiking to Rivendell, and Legolas volunteers to escort her there. And they fall in love.

Obviously.

55. Legolas is tricked into getting married, and falls in love with his bride eventually.*

One day, Legolas was suffers from temporary stupidity, and somehow his father seizes that moment and uses it to his advantage. Next thing Legolas knows, he’s been married off to someone. (See Idea #5 for the alternate Angst Option.)

Though his bride is stubborn/ugly/silly/evil, the two eventually fall in love, after they’ve had all sorts of dramatic things happen to them. (The dramatic things don’t have to happen, however. You can just have them hate each other, and then they start to like each other. If you drag this on for long enough, it will make sense to the reader that they’ve gradually fallen in love.)

Alternate Idea: Someone dares Legolas to get married, and he does so, because he has succumbed to peer pressure.*

56. Legolas falls in love with a tenth-walker.

Poor Elf. He’s stuck with an annoying, talented, brave tenth-walker for several months, and by the end of it he loves her. It’s kind of sad.

Let us observe a moment of silence for him.

57. Legolas falls in love with an assassin.*

NO ONE will expect this. I mean, she’s trying to KILL Legolas. Who would fall in love with someone who’s trying to finish him off? Very few people, believe me. But Legolas breaks the mold yet again. Your readers will be astonished by the clever way in which you get the two to love each other, and it will have a happy ending (i.e. Legolas will not die).

58. Legolas falls in love with a dwarf.

You can make this story angsty. (“Legolas, you only married me to get revenge on your father!”) You can make this story comical. (“Legolas, honey, you’re standing on my beard.”) You can make this story full of biting irony. (“Something bitingly ironic happened to me today, Legolas.”)

Advice: While we all know that Dwarves are smelly and disgusting, Legolas would only fall in love with a CLEAN and BEAUTIFUL Dwarf. So make her clean and beautiful. And mild-mannered. And sophisticated.

Alternate Idea/ Idea Extra: Gimli is in love with the same Dwarf! Of course, Legolas makes a far better suitor, once he’s learned all the Dwarvish Courting Customs. Gimli never stands a chance.

Angst Option for the Alternate Idea: Consumed with jealousy, Gimli tries to kill Legolas.

Another Angst Option for the Alternate Idea: Gimli and the Dwarf-maid are in love with each other. Legolas suffers from unrequited love. Very sad and tragic.

59. Legolas falls in love with Sauron’s daughter.

You will be informed, by the ever-helpful un-purists, that Sauron is a giant eyeball and cannot have children. This is not true. Sauron was not always a giant eyeball. (In fact, he was never an eyeball at all.) He is a Maia, and possesses a body. Trounce the un-purists with this knowledge. (And if people start debating whether or not Maiar can have children, casually mention the name 'Melian'.)

Definition: Un-purists are neither true purists nor canon-wreckers: they are people masquerading as purists and Protectors of the Canon. Though they seem as enraged and all-knowing as purists, they are actually quite different from real purists, who tend to know what they’re talking about. Un-purists will scorn your Movie-knowledge, claiming to have read (and understood) the Books. Unfortunately, the things un-purists tell you will usually be false. (For example, they will tell you that Elves can’t cry, saying that Arwen shouldn’t have cried in the Movie, and ignoring various proofs found in the Books that would indicate that Elves can cry.) Un-purists are the most deadly of all reviewers.

60. Legolas falls in love with basically anyone.*

Anyone, I tell you! Be inventive, and see how ludicrous a plot you can get away with. Fairy-princesses, heiresses, Hermione Granger, cowgirls, punks... anyone. Legolas is very susceptible to females.

Suspense Options

61. Legolas doesn’t know what’s going on!

Be so vague and suspenseful that readers don’t know what’s going on either. It makes it more exciting for everyone. End the story with a dramatic plot twist. (‘The squirrels did it again!’)

62. Legolas is being hunted by _______.

As the blank indicates, you get to decide what is hunting Legolas. Make the story exciting and gruesome.

63. Legolas knows something is wrong, but no one believes him.

“Aragorn, something’s wrong.”

“Nonsense.”

“No, really.”

“Legolas, you’re being paranoid.”

“No, I’m not. Something bad is going to happen.”

“Oh, calm down, Leg— OH ERU, IT’S A — A — !!!”

(Screams.)

(Sounds of pain and suffering.)

(Sounds of Aragorn breathing his last.)

People like this sort of story. Honestly.

64. Legolas is about to become the victim of a natural disaster.*

Natural disasters are good setups for suspense and angst. There is also a large variety of natural disasters for Legolas to undergo. Take your pick, and then make Legolas suffer through it. However, try to make the natural disaster/ natural phenomenon realistic. For example, it is unlikely that Legolas would nearly freeze to death in a blizzard in Harad.

Know your geography!

65. Legolas falls into quicksand.

If you can write more than 2,000 words of Legolas thrashing around in quicksand, and also make it suspenseful, and include at least two angsty flashbacks, you’ll deserve some sort of award. Like the Award for Desperate Fanfictioneers.

Humor Options

66. Legolas has fun with his friends.*

This idea, and idea #67 as well, fall into a category known as ‘pseudo-humor’. This is because these sort of stories are not actually funny. They pretend to be, but really they’re just an opportunity for Legolas to be cute and mischievous with his friends.

Remember, nothing is funny unless it involves slapstick violence and lots of swearing.

67. Legolas has fun with his father.*

Not only is this one pseudo-humor, but it’s a lame attempt to make Thranduil look good. Shun these stories.

68. Legolas turns into a frog.

The frog-prince! LOL. ROFLOL. :D So hilarious.

Alternate Idea: Once upon a time, there was a frog. He was happy and contented. Then an Evil Fairy punished him by transforming him into a handsome Elf-prince who was being stalked by several hundred fangirls.

69. Legolas gets hit by a falling anvil.

Recent studies have revealed that the chances of having an anvil fall on one’s head increase significantly when one is carrying magnets around. In fact, magnets are the number one cause of anvil-related deaths, and in nearly all incidents, the victim had a magnet in his or her pocket. It is advised that you take the necessary precautions before stepping out of doors. – Extract from The Gondorian Science Journal.

Tragically, Legolas did not read The Gondorian Science Journal, or he might not have decided to take his magnet collection to school to show his friends.

70. Legolas goes to a slumber party!*

In this story, let your inner-hyper-adolescent shine through. Be so outrageously random that no reader can keep up with the action. Legolas should be as hyper, juvenile and stupid as you can possibly make him.

71. Legolas has a talk show.*

The most enjoyable part of talk shows is that they have commercial breaks in between. Which means that you get to write about Legolas advertising some brand of shampoo.

72. Legolas has a journal.

Another original, clever idea. Legolas is presented with a journal, and in it, he writes down all his profound thoughts on the people around him and the events that take place in his life. This can be very funny, if written correctly.

73. Legolas’s hair gets destroyed somehow.*

Everyone knows that Legolas loves his hair. Probably everyone knows this because Legolas looks so sweet and endearing when he is either 1) brushing his hair cutely, or 2) screaming hysterically at Aragorn because Aragorn stole his shampoo.

Therefore, if you dislike Legolas and want to mock him, destroy his hair somehow.

Alternate Idea: Legolas’s hair gets dyed a weird color. He locks himself in his bedroom and is not seen for days.

74. Legolas is eaten by crocodiles.

Imagine this: Legolas is wandering down a city street and then he falls down a storm drain, where he is eaten by crocodiles. This is slapstick violence at its most tasteful.

Warning: Any story in which Legolas gets eaten tends to make fangirls go berserk.

75. Legolas is a door-to-door saleself.

He is trying to sell paperclips. Unfortunately, people don’t even know what paper is anymore, because all they do is type things on their computers.

Legolas: Would you like to buy a paperclip?

Person: Huh? What’s that?

Legolas: Umm.... would you like to buy this beautiful piece of modern art?

Person: That thing?

Legolas: Yes. It’s called Serenity and it was created by the famous Derek de Lasagna. It has won famous art awards. I’m selling these limited edition miniatures.

Person: Sure! I’ll buy it! I’ll buy lots of them! I like modern art!

Moral: People think they have sophisticated tastes. Legolas knows how to use this thought to his advantage.

76. Legolas teaches a preschool class.

Legolas has taken self-sacrifice to a new level.

This story idea also works well as action/adventure. (‘Benny, please put down those scissors...’)

77. Legolas is attacked by unfriendly wildlife.

It’s a bit like a Disney movie again, except the animals don’t look cute and they don’t sing the chorus when the hero feels lyrical. They have big fangs, beady eyes and evil expressions. (I hope you realize by now that everything Legolas meets is evil. It makes his life more interesting to read about.)

78. Legolas sings a song.

Advice: It helps if you can write songs that rhyme. Of course, readers may laugh hysterically over your bad poetry, but that’s probably not what you intended. Or you could pretend it’s Legolas’s bad poetry. People will like it then.

79. Legolas plays with his yo-yo.

You can have so much fun with a yo-yo, especially when you hand it over to your favorite Elf.

80. Legolas is working for a restaurant that forces him to dress up as a banana.

Legolas would look cute as a banana.

Cute Options

81. Legolas has fun in Rivendell.*

In this cute story, Legolas runs around with Elladan and Elrohir and gets into trouble. No one can punish him, however, because he’s too cute. Be sure to include hilarious scenes with Legolas tormenting Erestor and outwitting Glorfindel. Everyone loves it when young children get the upper hand on fully grown Elves.

82. Legolas has fun in Mirkwood.*

For Legolas to have fun in Mirkwood, Mirkwood has to be child-proofed. No one wants to read about Legolas having fun in a spider-infested, evil forest. Something bad could happen to him. No! Not in this story! Make it cute. Happy, carefree Elves running about merrily. Sunshine. Lots of flowers and butterflies.

83. Legolas says something sweet and adorable.

Test the sweet and adorable comment on friends and family to make sure it’s sweet and adorable. There is nothing worse than a sweet and adorable comment that is, in reality, silly and pointless.

However, if Legolas is the one speaking, it can be a very inane/mean/stupid comment and people will still love it. For example, a talented writer can make the statement ‘Why is your nose so fat and ugly?’ cute and humorous when it comes from the mouth of three year-old Legolas.

84. Legolas learns how to whistle.

Believe me, a young child is only cute before it learns how to whistle. However, readers don’t have to suffer through the piercing noise and endless agony, so you might as well load on the sugary sweetness and pretend it’s cute.

85. Legolas picks flowers for his mother.

Fangirls like to read about young males doing nice things for their mothers. Fangirls also like to read about Legolas picking flowers, for some weird reason.

Advice: Post this on Mother’s Day.

Crossover Options

86. Legolas saves Harry Potter from Voldemort.

Harry's life has been saved by everyone else, why not have Legolas save it too? This should be very dramatic, and Legolas should get to yell ‘Away from him, you vile monstrosity’ at least once.

87. Legolas shoots Harry Potter.

This is for the fanfictioneers out there who don’t like Harry Potter. Legolas mistakes Harry for an enemy of some sort, and shoots him. Harry is no longer the boy-who-lived. He is the boy-who-got-shot-by-Legolas.

Voldemort consults Legolas, and succeeds in taking over the world shortly after.

88. Legolas falls in love with Professor McGonagall.

No comment.

89. Legolas meets Dobby the house elf.

...And throttles him to death by the end of the first chapter.

90. Legolas develops Jedi powers.

One day, when Thranduil was beating up Legolas, Legolas did a little Jedi hand-wave-thing and said, “You should go home and rethink your life”. Thranduil went off, rethought his life, and decided that he liked Legolas after all. Everyone was happy.

Inspirational quote from Legolas – “The force be with you.”

91. Legolas fights Darth Vader.

Elves with light-sabers are special. Legolas with a light-saber is even more special. Legolas fighting Darth Vader would be quite spectacular.

Alternate Idea: Legolas fights Darth Vader and Darth Vader wins. (If you like Darth Vader.)

92. Legolas saves the skier in SkiFree from certain death.

Anyone who has played SkiFree would love to see Legolas dismember the creature that kills the skier in every single game. (And there is a SkiFree section on ff.net. Hint, hint.)

93. Legolas meets the Terminator.

It might be interesting, though, to be honest, I have no idea why I wrote down this idea.

Alternate Idea: Legolas is terminated by the Terminator.

94. Legolas falls into an obscure world and has to figure out where he is.*

Not sure what universe to put Legolas in? Then simply drop him into somewhere obscure and make the story dramatic and suspenseful.

Warning: If it’s really obscure, then don’t expect many people to catch on. For all you know, you could be only person who has read that book or watched that movie.

95. Legolas meets Will Turner.*

In this brilliantly clever plot, you somehow maneuver Legolas into meeting Will Turner! He gets to go along on the adventure and fight evil, ghostly pirates!

Advice: For even more hilarity, make sure someone confuses the two at least four times per chapter.

Other Ideas

96. Legolas gets separated from the herd in Moria.

We have already determined that 1) Legolas doesn’t like caves and mines, 2) Legolas is prone to get injured in caves and mines, and 3) Legolas can be angsty basically anywhere. Write a story in which Legolas gets lost in Moria and must survive on his own for days. Of course, since this is Legolas, he barely survives, but still manages to stagger out of the mines in one piece. He then has to spend a few days recovering, during which he is angsty, but is eventually well enough to continue on the quest without having inconvenienced anyone. (Legolas heals really fast.)

97. Legolas looks for buried treasure.

Legolas discovers a treasure map, and then goes on an exciting adventure to find the treasure. He fights lots of dangerous enemies, and does many brave and valiant things. He gets injured now and then. In the end, he digs up the treasure, and carts it home. His father is very envious.

98. Legolas switches bodies with someone.*

By this I mean that Legolas’s mind/essence gets trapped inside the body of someone else. At first Legolas is horrified, but then he decides to use this to his advantage. Or he can stay horrified the whole time.

While Legolas is trapped in the someone’s body, the someone is in his body, which is probably not a good thing. There is lots of confusion, but everything works out in the end somehow. Be humorous and creative.

99. Legolas wins a free counseling session in his box of cereal.

While Legolas is eating his Spider*Crunchies one morning, he sees that he has won a free counseling session with a world-famous psychologist. Thrilled, he goes to get therapy forthwith. The concept of Legolas getting therapy amuses fangirls for some reason.

100. Legolas is abducted by aliens.

Legolas just can’t get a moment’s peace. While going on a picnic one day, he gets beamed up to the spaceship of some extraterrestrials! He fights them, kills them all, and flies the spaceship back to Mirkwood. Everyone is very impressed by his prowess, and the spaceship technology revolutionizes Middle-Earth’s computer industry.

Alternate Idea: Legolas meets Arthur Dent and hitchhikes around the galaxy.

The End.

100 Ideas for Your Inevitable Legolas Fanfic

2005-05-19T23:58:54Z

Since it is inevitable that all fanfictioneers will write a story about Legolas at some time or other, I decided to write a list of 100 ideas for such a story.

If any of these ideas inspire you, feel free to make use of them! (Though it would be nice if I got some credit.)

I have put a star next to the plot devices I have actually seen employed in a work of fanfiction.

100 IDEAS FOR YOUR INEVITABLE LEGOLAS FANFIC

Part One: 1-50

Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to the Lord of the Rings. I do, however, own this list.

Angst Options

1. Legolas’s father is evil and violent.*

Was there ever a better way to make Legolas suffer? Legolas’s evil father can do anything, since he’s a king. Even private torture chambers are logical and acceptable. You do not need to specify why Thranduil is evil; those who read your story will realize that he is evil right away, the moment he starts abusing their hero.

(Other particularly good ideas for making Legolas suffer are explored in #7, #29, #45, and #46.)

2. Legolas’s father is insane.*

Insane Elvenking = Violent Elvenking = Suffering Legolas.

The insanity might possibly pacify the few girls out there who like Thranduil. Think up good reasons for his insanity (he’s sad that his wife died, he got dropped on his head when he was little, Legolas drove him around the bend, etc). If people begin whining at you for your ‘OOC’ Thranduil, DO NOT ADMIT YOUR GUILT. Instead, direct their attention to all the other stories that make Thranduil look worse, and continue to torture Legolas to your heart’s content.

3. Legolas’s father is possessed by Sauron.

I haven’t seen this plot yet, which surprises me, because it seems like the obvious thing to do. With Dol Guldur lurking nearby, and Thranduil devoid of magic rings, getting him possessed by a Dark Lord would be a solution to his problems, and your problems! You now have a plausible excuse for why Thranduil is evil and deranged.

Alternate Idea: Legolas is possessed by Sauron.

4. Legolas’s father keeps Legolas locked up.*

In the Books, Legolas mentions that Aragorn has traveled more than he. This is why. Legolas was locked away by his evil, insane dad! He languishes for years in a tower of some sort, gazing out over the woods, and trains rats for his amusement.

Ending: Elrond saves Legolas from his father. Legolas goes to Rivendell and lives happily ever after. This ending will ensure more positive reviews.

5. Legolas’s father is trying to get Legolas married off.*

This sort of story can devolve into a Legomance with frightening speed, but if you think you can maintain the angst and the character of Evil!Inconsiderate!Thranduil, then it should work well enough.

6. Legolas’s life is saved by his repentant father (who dies).

It’s like that scene in The Lion King in which the father saves his lion cub in the stampede, and then dies (because no Disney parent survives long). Not that the Elvenking has to die in a stampede, but the principle is the same: when the child gets into a deadly situation, he gets saved somehow at the price of another character’s life.

For a more poignant story, make Thranduil evil up until the point when he rescues Legolas. It should be easy to explain his sudden change of heart, because no one can remain immune to Legolas’s charms for long.

Alternate Idea: Legolas’s life is saved accidentally by his bumbling father (who dies).

7. Legolas’s life is saved by his best friend (who dies).

When Thranduil isn’t readily available to die saving Legolas’s life, give that esteemed position to Legolas’s friend. NONE of Legolas’s friends survive their friendships with him. So don’t feel bad about killing off the poor guy.

Advice: For more angst and sadness, make Legolas’s friend a carefree, upbeat Elf who helps Legolas when he is unhappy. The more cheerful the friend is when he’s alive, the more upset everyone will be when he’s dead.

8. Legolas’s friend turns out to be a spy from Lothlorien.

At first glance, this might not seem too angsty. However, a talented writer will explore Legolas’s feelings of horror and betrayal as he realizes that his friend was really a spy for Lord Celeborn (who is the Elvenking’s nemesis). Pile on the angst as the friend leaves for Lothlorien, leaving a jaded Legolas behind.

9. Legolas’s friend is beaten up by someone.

This idea has rarely been put to use. This is because people prefer reading about Legolas’s suffering over reading about the suffering of Legolas’s friend. Usually, either the friend is killed outright (see #7), or he escapes the battle, ambush, etc., completely unscathed. Experiment with hurting Legolas’s friend, so that Legolas can get upset over the suffering of someone else for once.

10. Legolas’s friend is turned into an orc who later severely injures Legolas.

Talk about irony. The common roles of Legolas and his friend are reversed. This time, Legolas is the one to nearly die at the hands of his friend. He is shocked, horrified, severely injured, traumatized for life... and angsty.

Advice: For more angst, Legolas, wounded by his best-friend-the-orc, kills the orc without realizing that he was his best friend. He discovers this unpleasant fact too late.

11. Legolas’s pet dies.

A dog is an Elf’s best friend, but in Mirkwood, spiders can be pets too! (Do not read the chapter in The Hobbit titled ‘Barrels Out of Bond’, in which Professor Tolkien practically tells you that this is not true.)

Invent a pet for Legolas, give it a cute name, and give the two of them happy memories of having fun with each other. Then kill this pet off. Legolas is not allowed to have too much happiness in his life.

Alternate Idea: Legolas’s pet spider turns on him and devours him.

12. Legolas’s elvish immunities fail him and he becomes sick.*

This is the most logical way to get Legolas sick. Being an Elf, he won’t catch a cold or fever unless YOU step in and do something about it. In this case, be sure to invent a good reason for Legolas to lose his immunities (grief, wounds, poison, etc).

13. Legolas is kidnapped.*

Here is Legolas. He is a cute, innocent child. He is snatched from his home by vile kidnappers. Instead of focusing on why they want Legolas, focus on all the pain and suffering Legolas is experiencing. Readers will never notice the plot holes.

14. Legolas is held hostage.*

Advice: For this sort of story, make sure that Thranduil and Legolas have a caring, loving relationship. There is no point to the story if Thranduil doesn’t want to get his son back. (But who said your story needed a point?)

15. Legolas is sold into slavery.*

If you feel that the whole ‘Legolas is kidnapped’ thing is too much of a cliché, then try this innovative new plot. Legolas is sold into slavery! No one realized he was an Elf-prince! Oh no!

Of course, he gets away somehow.

16. Legolas is beaten up by mortals.*

In Legolas’s world, only one good mortal exists. His name is Aragorn. All other mortals are EVIL. To maintain feelings of continuity in your story, make sure mortals clobber Legolas at every opportunity (in a pub, in a dingy town, in the woods, etc). Every time Legolas encounters mortals, they should attack him. Whenever Legolas is not being attacked by mortals, it should be because the mortals are setting an ambush for him.

17. Legolas is beaten up by elves.*

I’m sure it’s been scientifically proved by now that Elves make the best bad-guys. It always comes as a shock to readers when they discover that Legolas has been clobbered by his own kind! It also creates an interesting moral dilemma when Legolas wonders if he should get revenge on them or not.

If you don’t feel capable of writing moral dilemmas, try Idea #18.

18. Legolas is beaten up by dwarves.*

No moral dilemmas here! After Legolas has been attacked by the evil Dwarves, he gets his cunning revenge on the smelly little brutes. No reviewer will complain about the treatment of the Dwarves, because everyone 1) hates them, and 2) likes to see Dwarves stupidly falling into Legolas’s traps.

19. Legolas is beaten up by hobbits.

You have not seen this as a plot for a fanfiction yet, have you?

While Legolas wanders through the Shire, suspicious hobbit thugs attack him and bludgeon him unconscious with their farm equipment. If this sounds implausible, then explain that Saruman has bent the hobbits to his evil will. Legolas does not fight back because hobbits are cute and he doesn’t want to hurt them.

20. Legolas becomes blind.

You don’t need a reason for this.

21. Legolas becomes deaf.*

You still don’t need a reason. As long as Legolas is not having a good time, people will read about it.

22. Legolas gets his fingers chopped off.

In days long past, when archers had a purpose on a battlefield, those that were captured by the enemy had the index and middle finger of their right hand chopped off. The lives of the prisoners would be spared, but without these two fingers, they could no longer shoot a bow.

It seems logical that if Legolas got captured by the (evil) mortals, they would chop those fingers off forthwith.

23. Legolas gets his ears chopped off.*

I once read a story in which this happened. I think the writer of the story was a bit desperate. You can be desperate too!

24. Legolas is badly injured.*

This sums up everything that I haven’t specifically mentioned yet.

25. Legolas loses his memory.*

“Where am I?”

“You’re sitting in my favorite chair, Legolas. I hope you aren’t getting it dirty.”

“Who are you?”

“Ha, ha, Legolas. You’re so witty I could cry.”

“Who am I?”

“Er... I used to think you were Legolas, but now you’re acting really strange... Excuse me as I rush to get Lord Elrond.”

26. Legolas becomes schizophrenic.

No, he does not have to make weird noises or refer to anything as his ‘precious’.

You know, I thought up a great idea for a Glorfindel story, in which he finds out that he is schizophrenic and that Erestor is a figment of his imagination. This would account for 1) why no one ever sees Erestor, 2) why Erestor is Glorfindel’s exact opposite and 3) why Glorfindel is Erestor’s only friend.*

But anyway, I’m supposed to be writing about Legolas...

27. Legolas becomes excessively paranoid.

This makes sense! Legolas has undergone so much, that he could easily develop a case of extreme paranoia! Perhaps he’d get hurt less if he stayed in his bedroom, away from Aragorn.

Write about the trials Legolas must experience before he reenters the world with his old confidence and aplomb.

28. Legolas develops a bizarre phobia.

There are lots of bizarre phobias out there. Pick one and give it to Legolas! Be as random as you like about this, since there probably is such a phobia in real life.

29. Legolas contracts a horrible wasting disease.

There is such thing as being too original. While people like to read about Legolas undergoing some unpleasant illness, few fangirls will want to read about bits of Legolas rotting and falling off. The sickos who stick around to see what happens will probably NOT be rooting for Legolas’s survival.

30. Legolas has unknown problems.

This plot idea involves lots of mystery. Legolas wanders off, and returns... changed. None of his friends know why or how. Tantalize readers with clues and hints, and then stun them with something unexpected. (‘It was the squirrels who did it!’)

31. Legolas accidentally kills his friend.

Face it. No matter what happens, Legolas’s friend is doomed. Legolas has come to grips with this sad fact; you should too. When Legolas accidentally kills his friend, you get an opportunity for even more angst, especially if the friend gets a few moments to forgive Legolas before he dies.

32. Legolas is banished from his home.*

You get to pick the reason for his banishment. Poor Legolas is cast out of his homeland and is forced to wander around Middle-earth being cool and heroic. Perhaps he meets Aragorn at this time in his life. Aragorn, the happy-go-lucky mortal, will soon have Legolas feeling better about himself.

33. Legolas is mistaken for a murderer.*

Everyone thinks Legolas is a murderer, but he’s not. Either he looks like the murderer, or he was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Legolas does not enjoy being thought of as a murderer, so there’s plenty of opportunities for angst.

34. Legolas is a murderer.

Legolas is a murderer, but his fangirls love him anyway. A twisted, evil Legolas can be very appealing, especially after a fangirl has just been overdosed with a bunch of fanfiction about Poor!Sweet!Noble!Legolas.

35. Legolas is stalked by an assassin.*

While it may be really tempting to make the assassin female, once again you’ve got a potential Mary-Sue on your hands. If you want to write a Legomance, then give in to this temptation. If you want something angsty and action/adventurey, then focus on Legolas, and not the assassin.

(The assassin will, of course, not manage to kill Legolas. This nearly goes without saying. But you can PRETEND Legolas is dead a few times, just to keep readers on the edge of their seats.)

36. Legolas is a recipient of an ancient curse.

Be imaginative. There are lots of ancient curses out there. Be sure to ask this question in your summary: WILL HE THWART THE CURSE AND SURVIVE? And, sure, go ahead and use all capital letters like I did.

37. Legolas becomes an orc.

It seems likely that Legolas’s fangirls will hate you for writing this story. But don’t let this stifle your creative genius!

38. Legolas is forcibly conscripted into the Easterling army.

His worst nightmare has come true...

39. Legolas is hit by lightning.*

Legolas discovers that Manwë has always hated him. Alas, by then it’s too late.

40. Legolas dies.*

DO NOT kill Legolas quickly. Draw his death out, and give him time to say a few profound last words to his sobbing friends. Afterwards, write about how much everyone misses him (even the people who previously didn’t like him).

Poor Legolas. By killing him, you’re putting an end to all his suffering. It’s an act of mercy, and he’d thank you, if he could.

Warning: You will be hated forever by Legolas’s fangirls (i.e. half the female population) if you write this.

41. Legolas appears to die, but comes back to life eventually.*

This is a much better option than Idea #40, because people won’t feel like they have to throttle you. Also, you get to enjoy TWO very different responses: the outraged reviews of those who think Legolas is really dead and their ecstatic reviews of thanksgiving when it turns out he’s really alive.

42. Legolas is drugged.*

Alternate Idea: Legolas becomes addicted to his pain medication. *

43. Legolas is poisoned.*

The Elves of Rivendell don’t like Legolas. It’s true. Legolas, despite being a prince, is too lowly and common for their sophisticated tastes. So they poison him somehow. Angst, angst, angst.

It does not have to be Rivendwellers who poison Legolas, however. Anyone can do it, as the many fanfictions out there will attest.

44. Legolas is a vampire.

You might want to label this one AU, but if you can be really creative, feel free to taunt the purists with your ingenuity. Write an essay to explain that there are vampires in Middle-earth. Once Legolas is a vampire, send him out to seduce innocent maidens. Readers will love it.

45. Legolas is wracked with guilt.*

The cleverest and most original scenario in this category is for Legolas to feel guilty because he didn’t stop the Uruk from blowing up the wall at Helm’s Deep. However, nearly every Guilty!Legolas scenario is clever and original. There is SO much opportunity for angst when Legolas is feeling guilty that I can hardly begin to describe it. The words ‘guilt’ and ‘angst’ are nearly synonymous.

You cannot consider yourself a true writer of fanfiction until you have written a story in which Legolas feels guilty.

46. Legolas is trapped in a cave.*

For this story to be even more effective, include flashbacks of the other time Legolas got trapped in a cave. This way you get to have two trapped-in-a-cave stories in one, and thus, you get double the angst potential.

47. Legolas is trapped in a mine.*

There is a subtle difference between being trapped in a cave and being trapped in a mine. While caves contain such natural wonders as poisonous reptiles and weird underground-lake creatures, mines are full of ORCS and DWARVES. Both Orcs and Dwarves like torturing Legolas.

In caves, you get to highlight Legolas’s cave-phobia, but in mines, you get to have some blood and agony. Take your pick.

48. Legolas is attacked by monkeys.

To the best of our knowledge, Mirkwood has no monkeys. Which means that the monkey attack comes as a great shock to Legolas.

Alternate Idea: Legolas is attacked by monkeys, but in a humorous way.

49. Legolas is trampled by oliphaunts.

He survives, but you can write the scene so well that your readers nearly die of heart attacks.

Hint: Don't actually try to kill your readers. If they're dead, they can't review.

50. Legolas is captured by Sauron.*

Sauron has heard of Legolas, and wants to use him in his nefarious schemes. He captures him somehow, and then you get to write about fifteen chapters of Legolas being depressed and in pain!

It will be fun! Go forth and write!

--------------------------------------

*I have called this Erestor's Schizophrenic!Glorfindel Challenge, and I invite you to write such a story. Humor, angst, drama, parody... it can be any genre.

50 Questions

2005-04-26T21:41:01Z

I snatched this question-thing from Ithiliel, who explained to me how one does LJ cuts. I'm excited to know how to do these.

1. Your name spelled backwards? I would prefer to keep my real name a secret... but Erestor is Rotsere when spelled backwards, and it looks weird. And 'cyberskiver' backwards is 'reviksrebyc' which looks like Russian. Kind of fun to say, though.
2. Where were your parents born? They're both from Antrim, Northern Ireland.
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? No idea.
4. What's your favorite restaurant? Anywhere that serves good Chinese food.
5. Last time you swam in a pool? Last summer.
6. Have you ever been in a school play? Yes, sort of.
(Do I get points for noticing that there's no seventh question?)
8. Type of music you dislike most? Music that doesn't help me think.
9. Are you registered to vote? No.
10. Do you have cable? No.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? No.
12. Ever prank call anybody? No. Actually, yes. I telephoned my mother as a solicitor for Mordor, asking if she'd seen the One Ring anywhere and promising rewards for information.
13. Best friend? Yikes, what a question! I don't think I have a best friend. Ithiliel Silverquill is my closest friend, though.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? No.
15. Furthest place you ever traveled? I was stranded in an airport in the Netherlands for four hours, does that count? While I was there, I watched the Disney version of Cinderella in Dutch. My sister tied herself to a pillar just as we were about to get on the bus to go to our airplane, and I thought that we were going to get left behind. But fortunately we weren't.
16. Do you have a garden? No, every plant I touch dies.
17. What's your favorite comic strip? Calvin and Hobbes
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Sadly, no.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower, in the morning. Actually, showers are good at any time of day.
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? I don't think I've seen a movie this past month.
21. Favorite pizza topping? Onions.
22. Crisps or popcorn? Crisps.
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? I don't wear lipstick. But the last time I wore lipstick, it was blue.
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Do people do that?
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? No.
26. Orange Juice or apple? Neither.
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? Ruby Tuesdays, special treat, went there with my family.
28. Favorite type chocolate bar? Galaxy.
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? I've never voted.
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? No idea. Couple years ago, maybe.
31. Have you ever won a trophy? No.
32. Are you a good cook? Not really.
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? I don't drive.
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? No.
35. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? No.
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? I haven't bought anything at a pharmacy.
38. Ever thrown up in public? No, not that I recall.
(In case you're wondering if I've ever done anything, I'm pretty sure I have.)
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? It would be great if my true love were a millionaire...
40. Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe in like at first sight.
41. Can exes be friends? I wouldn't know.
42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? The mother of my second cousin. I think. What does that make her? My second aunt?
43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? No. But I wasn't bald.
44. What message is on your voicemail?I don't have voicemail.
45. What was the name of your first pet? Survivor. Ironically he died soon after I got him.
46. Have you seen the fnords? Not that I'm aware of. Or do you mean 'fjords'? I haven't seen them either.
47. What's in your backpack/purse? My Biology binder and my Spanish binder.
48. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Read. Write. Talk to my sister. The possibilities are endless.
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today? That Ithiliel showed me how to do LJ cuts.
50. What are you thinking about? I'm wondering why my beautiful LJ cut does not work.
Update: Thanks to Ithiliel, the Ever-Helpful One, the LJ cut works!